passive aggressive:

My buddy D only calls when he's reeling from a break-up. He's more-or-less aware of my romantic track record and counts on my consistently catastrophic first-date stories to cheer him up.

"Your love life is like the first half of a romantic comedy," he has said. "All horror and no payoff."

I usually shrug it off because it may or may not be true: I've had bad luck in dating, which I don't usually mind because they make for great stories, and truth be told, I've not been interested in dating for quite some time--too demanding, too stressful, and I've got important shit to do. Which hasn't kept me out of the game entirely. I still go out, but I usually come home with puke on my shoes and a new aversion to goat cheese.

So when D called, I knew he'd just broken up with a girl, probably one he'd fallen in love with. Again. We hadn't spoken in nine months, and I quickly learned that I was correct to couple our radio silence with the duration of his relationship.

His story was familiar: he fell hard for an edgy Mormon who, like him, loved to drink and party, but also liked to attend church and was a tiger in the sack. I listened attentively and asked what went wrong, if he was okay, if there was anything I could do.

"You could come visit," I suggested. "Maybe you need a getaway, and my couch ain't so bad."

He said he'd check his finances and continued, "Your turn. Make me feel better. What's the newest horror in your dating life?"

I told him I had nothing to report.

"So you're one step closer to spinsterhood? You're just going to dry up and start buying cats now."

"No, ass. Things are...going well."

"No they're not," he snorted.

"Okay..." I said.

"Are you being serious? You met a guy who's not a rapist?"

"That was only once. And yes, I met a nice guy."

"Well he's probably gay," he said.

"Suck it, D. He's not gay."

"You have a history, that's all."

It wasn't a "history," exactly. A friend of mine had been grappling with his sexuality and asked if we could date, as I was, apparently, "his last best shot at a normal, heterosexual life." I told him not to marry the ideas of 'normalcy' and 'heterosexuality' and that he deserve to be himself with a (or many) nice gay boys. He's since found several nice and not-so-nice gay boys.

"I don't have a history," I said.

"Still, I bet he's gay. Totally watching gay porn while you're asleep or hitting up gay bars on the weeknights when he says he's working. Imagines dudes while you're making out."

"Thanks for your support," I said.

"I"m just trying to prepare you for his big 'coming out.'"

Because we don't talk often and because I'm usually a spineless rat, I didn't tell him that his remarks had upset me. Okay, I didn't tell him I was pissed and offended. Instead, I changed the subject back to his break-up.

"You going to be okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, I guess," he sighed. "I mean, there are other fish in the sea, right?"

"Yeah,"I said, and I should have stopped there. "But you're in the desert," I said, "all alone."